☆ j u b i l e e 。 (calavasas) wrote,
☆ j u b i l e e 。

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☆ [Hetalia Fanfic]: They're Unique, Not Weird - Aunts

Title: They're Unique, Not Weird
Author: Jubilee
Characters/Pairings: OC, Most nations
Rating: T+ for this chapter: sexual innuendo
Genre: Crack + Humor + Family
Note: Complete crack and it was inspired by a DeviantART meme. Also, it's an AU.
Summary: Hello. The name's Kim and I come from a strange family. I wasn't brought up like a normal child. Nope, my story is a bit different. How is it different? Well how many kids do you know have family members from different parts of the world?
Posted at: calavasas + estorias

Chapters: Intro | Big Brothers | Parents | Uncles

Chapter 5: Odd Aunts

I have five aunts, who are each married to one of my uncles: Katyusha Williams, Florinda Kirkland, Angelique Bonnefoy, Mei Wang, and Elizaveta Edelstein. Uncle Gilbert doesn't have a wife, though I think he should really try to get one because my parents don't have enough money to send me to Germany every summer when he gets lonely…

Katyusha Williams

Aunt Katyusha is…well in a way she is like Feli. She's very emotional and it's easy to make her cry. I can understand why she married Uncle Matt since he's really nice and loving to her so they never have any problems. She likes it when I come to visit because she loves company. I love the Easter eggs she makes. They are so pretty! She's from Ukraine but had moved to Canada with her family, where she met Uncle Matt. They're such a cute couple. A lot of people are envious of my Uncle Matt since he married "a hot Ukrainian girl with a huge rack". It's sad when the only reason a guy wants a woman is because her boobs are huge. Really, I think less of men who do that. But anyway, Uncle Matt loves Aunt Katyusha for who she is, and not because of her large tracts of land. If anything, that's a bonus to him. Sometimes I wish I was a B cup or smaller so that way I can tell if a guy likes me because of me, or because of the land I have…

Painting Easter eggs was always enjoyable but…

Kimiko and her aunt were in the kitchen with egg shells spread out on a towel and various bottles of paint and water sitting beside them. They were painting Easter eggs for the family.

"Auntie, you're really good at this!" said Kimiko.

Katyusha smiled. "Oh, thank you dear! I'm always afraid I'm going to mess up, but luckily nothing bad ever happens to them!"

"That's good. I can't keep my hand steady when I try to paint an egg with a lot of detail in it. How do you do it?"

"I've been painting various things since I was small. Back in my home country, that was all I'd do for fun."


"Yes, but I didn't mind. I enjoyed it very much!"

"Oh I see. Well thanks for passing on your painting techniques to me Aunt Katyusha. I don't like it when my brothers paint the eggs, because they always do a sloppy job, except Feli. His always come out nice, though he ends up crushing them by accident since he's so clumsy so he's afraid to paint them. Dad always makes the eggs red, white, and blue in various designs, and mom's always look oriental. I'm pretty sure they're supposed to be pastel colored or something and not that elaborate! It's just an egg!"

Katyusha giggled. "Well Kimiko, people have their own way of painting eggs. What about you?"

"I liked watching my family paint eggs, but I never liked doing it, because when I was little, I'd always press down too hard with the marker, so then I tried to actually paint it, yet sometimes they'd still break, so I got discouraged…"

Katyusha began to tear up. "Oh that's so sad! You never got to finish an egg properly!"

"Uhm auntie…it's okay…that was years ago…"


"That's alright. Anyway, thanks again for teaching me how to paint these! You decorate them with so much detail and time!"

"Oh you're welcome! It's fun painting eggs, especially if I have somebody to paint them with! Your uncle is always being bothered by his twin during this time of the year, which is what he usually tells me, so he never gets the chance to paint with me…" She began to sniffle.

"Aunt Katyusha! Don't cry! It's okay! Look…" Kimiko showed her an egg she had finished. It was red and white, the maple leaves being the only red on the egg. "This one is for Uncle Matt!"

"That's v-very nice Kimiko!"

"Yep! I'm gonna show it to him later on and tell him what a great teacher you are!"

Katyusha was on the verge of tears. "You're such a kind niece! A lot of people told me teenagers are mean here in America, but I don't think that's true, and you're my assertion!" She gave her a big hug, her huge bust suffocating Kimiko.

"Auntie! I can't breathe!"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" She let her go. "Oh…you're m-mad at me now aren't you?"

Kimiko held up her hands in defense. "No I'm not! I could never be angry at you!"

"Th-Thank you!"

Kimiko sweat-dropped but smiled at her aunt. It was fairly simple to get her to cry for just about anything.

She heard a lot of footsteps heading towards the kitchen, and she saw her brothers and her dad run inside with a football.

"Come on pass it already!" shouted Yong Soo to Aksel.

"Catch dad!" Aksel said as he tossed it to Alfred. He caught it and then sent it back to Aksel before Yong Soo could take it away from him.

"Feli! Get the ball!"

"B-but I don't know how to play! Why am I even here?"

"Because there wasn't anybody else who wanted to be on my team!"

"Uwaaaah! But Yong Soo…!"

The Korean had stolen the ball from his oldest brother and said, "Catch Feli!" He tossed it to Feli who got hit in the face, stumbled backwards, landed on the table where Kimiko and Katyusha were painting, caused it to fall over, which resulted in the paints being spilled and the egg shells getting crushed, confetti all over Feliciano.

Katyusha looked at the scene in horror. "My eggs! My paints! Oh no!" She began to cry. Kimiko's eye twitched and her hands were balled up into fists at her sides as she looked at her brothers and father. "GET…OUT!"

"But princess, we didn't mean-"


She literally threw them out of the house (even poor Feli) and locked the backyard door, closing the curtain. The girl sighed and got the mop, prepared to clean the mess.

"I'm really sorry Aunt Katyusha…"

Her aunt continued to cry but tried to reassure her everything was okay. It just so happened that Matthew walked into the kitchen at that moment. "What happened in here?!" He saw his wife crying on the floor. "Katyusha!" He ran to her and held her shoulders, asking her what was wrong, but she continued to cry. "Kim…what happened?"

"Dad and my brothers decided to play football in here so…" She explained the whole scene all over again. "…and then I kicked them out of the house."

Matthew got up and unlocked the back door, and closed it. Kimiko could hear him yelling his lungs off at his older twin and his nephews, plus her father's pleads for mercy as well as her brother's. She went wide eyed.

Katyusha gave a sniffle. "Is…M-Matthew outside…?"

"Y-Yeah but…what is going on out there…"

"H-He only ever gets angry if I'm hurt or somebody makes me cry…"

Kimiko heard something thump against the back door but she couldn't see what it was due to the curtain. Cries of "Mattie please stop!" and "Uncle what are you doing!" as well as "Uwaaaaah! I'm sorry!" were heard coming from the outside.

The girl had a feeling that when it comes to kicking butt, people don't give her uncle as much credit as they should.


I learned that day that while Uncle Matt is nice and everything, you hurt his wife or make her cry, prepare for a world of pain. Wow. My dad and brothers made sure to never do something like that again, lest they wish to face The Wrath of Matt once more…

Florinda Kirkland

Aunt Florinda is from Belgium. She always gives me chocolate for my birthday and Christmas. It's so delicious! She visits her country constantly, so that's why she wasn't really there that first summer I went to go visit Uncle Arthur. But because of this, I don't get to see Aunt Florinda a lot, so there's not much to say about her, except she's kind of a tomboy like I was. She has an older brother, but he looks scary from the pictures I've seen of him so I was always too afraid to meet him… Uncle Arthur says his own big brothers are mean, but whenever they come over, they're always nice to me. I think he's paranoid.

But seriously, her brother is scary-looking…

Kimiko was devouring the box of chocolates Florinda had bought for her. "These are so good auntie!"

"I'm glad you like them!" she responded. Arthur was glad his wife returned home when she did, because Kimiko was still knocked out from her shock upon seeing her uncle's fantasy friends. The smell of Belgian chocolate seemed to wake her up.

The girl walked around the living room and looked at the various photos on the mantel and on the tables. There were pictures of her uncle when he was smaller, and three older looking children standing behind him. Then she saw another photo with her aunt and a child who looked older than her as well.

"Auntie," she began. "Who are they?"

"Hmm? Oh!" Florinda walked up to the photos. "This is me when I was a young girl and that's my older brother Herman." She picked up a more recent photo and showed it to Kimiko. "This is what he looks like today."

"He looks kinda scary…"

Florinda laughed. "You're not the only person who has told me that!"

"And who are those three boys standing behind Uncle Arthur?"

"Oh, those are his older brothers, Alec, Gavan, and Angus."

"Oh okay. Why does Uncle Arthur look scared though?"

"Well…" Then Florinda remembered something. "Oh my gosh!" She ran to the kitchen where Arthur was preparing 'food' for Kimiko to eat. "Arthur!"


"There's a reason I came home this early in the afternoon!"

"What is it?"

"I got a call from my brother today who told me he's going to come and visit."

"He did?"

"Yeah and then…I also got a call from your eldest brother Alec saying he's coming over too…along with Gavan and Angus…"


Arthur threw down everything he was doing and grabbed his wife by the shoulders. "Why didn't you tell me this sooner?! I could have been out and about with Kimiko so I wouldn't have to see them! Why do they want to come here to visit anyway?!"

"Th-they said they wanted to see their niece!"

"They didn't even go to the baby shower when Kiku was pregnant with her! So why now?!"

"I don't know! You can ask them that when they get here!"

Arthur heard the sounds of car doors slamming closed, and then he ran upstairs and shut the door to his room. Florinda shook her head and sighed.

There were several knocks at the door, so she decided to open it since it was apparent Arthur was going to be absent from this reunion.


"Hello Herman! It's nice to see you again."

"Since you've moved to England, it's troublesome coming over here every time I want to visit you."

"Good afternoon Florinda," said Gavan.

"Oh, good afternoon!"

"Hello Flor."

"Afternoon Angus!"

"So!" said the Irishman as he walked into the house. "Where is the girl?"

"Kimiko? Oh, she's in the living room!" Florinda let in all of the guests and said, "Kimiko!"

The girl turned around towards her aunt. "Auntie, are those…"

"Yes, I forgot to mention to you that they were coming today. They wanted to see you since you live so far away! Say hello!"

Kimiko set down the box of chocolates and walked over to her foreign uncles. "Hello, I'm Kimiko!"

"So this is the girl huh?" Angus asked. "She's rather small!"

"Well, her mother is very small, so I guess that's why Kimiko is this size too."

Herman looked at the girl and she seemed intimidated by him due to the look of fright on her face. His unintentional glare made her hide behind her aunt.

"What's wrong Kimiko?"

She said nothing but continued to cling to Florinda. Herman was not pleased. "Why do children always get scared when I look at them?"

Florinda shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe because you look like you're angry all the time." She noticed that out of the four guests who were going to arrive, one was absent. "Say, where's Alec?"

She heard Arthur's cursing and his brother's laughter from outside. Alec came in with Arthur slung over his shoulder. How he did this while Arthur was in his room was something Florinda never found out, nor decided to ask her husband how it happened. "Thought you could escape your brother, eh Arthur?"

"Put me down!" He continued to struggle but then noticed Kimiko looking curiously at him. He became embarrassed. He wanted her to see him as a masculine uncle, not a pushover cry baby. His brothers chose to show up at the wrong time, for Arthur at least.

"Uncle Arthur? What are you…"

"Ah, is this her?" Alec dropped Arthur on the floor and walked over to Kimiko. He seemed to be the tallest out of the four Kirkland brothers. He kneeled down to look at her. "You're a small lass, aren't ya?"

"My mom's not very tall, but dad says I'll grow to be tall like him."

"I see. Well it's good to finally meet ya! I'm your Uncle Alec, Iggy's oldest brother."

"Iggy? Who's Iggy?"

Alec laughed. "That's your uncle's name!" He pointed a thumbed hand back towards Arthur who was still on the floor.

"Uncle Arthur, your nickname is Iggy?"

"For goodness sake's Alec! Don't call me-"

"I can call ya whatever I want," he said menacingly in response. Arthur seemed to recoil.

"Get off the damn floor Iggy," Gavan said. "You're not a worm."

"But he looks like one right about now, doesn't he?" Angus observed.

The three older brothers laughed and Arthur looked defeated and nervous at the same time. "H-How long are you going to stay here?"

"Well your house is nothing more than a hovel, so probably not long," Alec said as he walked over to the couch and propped up his feet on the table, which upset Arthur but he didn't say anything about it. He patted the seat next to him and said to Kimiko, "Come, sit here next to your uncle!"

The girl decided to obey and sat down. "So how old are you Kimiko?"

"I'm thirteen. I'm in my last year of middle school back in America."

"You don't say? And what are you doing here with a bore like Iggy?"

"My parents are on vacation and my big brothers are with their friends doing their own thing, so my dad didn't want me to be alone, so he sent me here to England to stay with Uncle Arthur for the whole summer."

"The entire summer? That's great! This means we can visit ya more!"

The color on Arthur's face drained.

"Say, have you heard of the Loch Ness Monster?"

"Oh, yeah I have! Is it real? Because Uncle Arthur wanted to show me these weird creatures earlier-"

"Kimiko!" She was supposed to keep her promise to not say anything.

Alec laughed. "You were probably disappointed! Don't believe anything your uncle tells you! He's been going on about those fairy things and unicorn nonsense for years! Ever since he was a lad! But Nessie is real. I can take ya to see her if ya like."

Kimiko's eyes sparkled. "Can we go right now?"

"Sure we can! It's a bit of a trip, but how about I tell you some of Iggy's childhood stories along the way?"

"Alright. Uncle Arthur doesn't like to tell me about his past because he said there's nothing important I need to know about him when he was younger."

"Nothing important?! Ha! I am going to have fun with this." Alec got off the couch and picked up Kimiko, carrying her out of the house with one arm. "Well nice visit Iggy."

"Wh-Where are you going with my niece?!"

"She's my niece too! And I'm gonna take her to Scotland so she doesn't get bored being in a dingy place like England! Besides, I'm sure you're going to go across the waters and cry your eyes out to Francis like you always do, hmm?"

"I-I-I do not vent about my troubles to Francis!"

"Sure, whatever you say Iggy." Alec saw some suitcases and asked, "Lassie, are these your things?"

"Oh, yeah, I haven't had time to put anything away."

"That's good then." He opened the door and took her things with him. "Because you're gonna spend your summer in Scotland! Uncle Alec will take great care of ya!"

Arthur gasped and wore an expression that would make anybody feel sorry for him. "Bring me back my niece you bloody-!"

Alec glanced at Arthur with a cold glare and said, "What was that?"

The Englishman shuddered and looked like he wanted to cry as he watched his older brothers walk out of the house with his niece. What made it worse was when Kimiko said, "See you later Uncle Iggy!" Of course, Alec told her to say this.

"Uhm…Arthur," Florinda said as she kneeled down next her defeated husband. "I'm going to go grocery shopping…I'll make you something to eat okay?" She walked out of the house to go run the errand.

Herman sat down on the couch and dialed a number on his phone. It rang for a few minutes and then a voice answered. "Bonjour! This is Francis!"

"It's me."

"Oh, Herman, it's rare you call me. What's wrong? Does your sister need a massage again ~ ?"

The Dutchman would have to remember to get him back for that perverted comment. "No, it's not about Florinda."


"Arthur needs you…again…"

Francis sighed. "His brothers visited?"

"Yes. And they took Kimiko with them…to Scotland…"

He could hear Francis sighing again. "Alright, guess I better go over there so Arthur can vent, though that's not very different from every other day of my life."

"Thanks." He hung up and just watched Arthur sobbing on the floor in a humorous position. Herman did not move from his spot and took out his pipe until Francis or Florinda would return. He would have liked to get to know Kimiko better, but Alec was forceful and stubborn, and he didn't want to cause any trouble in front of her.

"Seriously though…why do I scare children?"


Poor Uncle Arthur. Ever since that day he's ashamed to look me in the eye whenever I ask him about his older brothers. Since I was younger back then, I didn't really notice how they treated him, but looking back now, they were real jerks to him! I have never seen my uncle so submissive to anybody before. Uncle Alec sure is intimidating. Well, at least to him. He's really nice to me. Though Uncle Herman still scares me…

Angelique Bonnefoy

Aunt Angelique is very pretty. She has really long hair and it is almost always kept in two pigtails with big red bows. She loves seafood and tropical fruits, and basically the ocean itself. I like to go fishing with her during the summer. I don't know why she married Uncle Francis and I was always too afraid to ask her that since I felt it would be rude. I mean, Uncle Francis doesn't have a sexual preference. If you're attractive, you're his victim, hence why he's always after Uncle Arthur. Or maybe he just likes to annoy him. It could be either one. Anyway, Aunt Angelique doesn't really like Uncle Arthur, so she finds joy in his suffering when Uncle Francis molests him or something. The reason why she doesn't get jealous when Uncle Francis pays a lot of attention to Uncle Arthur is because she gets her own fair share of attention when he's home (sometimes a little too much) which is why she never complains… She's from an island named Seychelles, and I didn't even know about its existence until she told me about it.

That summer sure was fun, but once again, Uncle Francis was up to no good with his usual shenanigans…

Kimiko was getting frustrated. She had been sitting on the rock for over two hours. "Auntie, I haven't caught anything!"

Angelique turned to her. "Oh, maybe the fish just aren't biting today."

"Then how come your basket is overflowing with them?"

Angelique had caught plenty of fish for the two hours they were there. She just had luck with this sort of thing. "I really don't know. But it just takes time and patience Kim!"

The girl groaned. "I guess." Though she liked spending her time in France, her uncle thought it would be nice to go to an island for part of the summer, so she traveled there with him and her aunt. Why he was in a hurry to leave though, she never found out.

"Auntie, can we go now? I mean, we've caught plenty of fish already. We should probably start making lunch."

"You're right, it is about lunch time. Alright then, let's go!"

Angelique had taken the basket of fish and put it in the small open car, Kimiko placing all the fishing supplies in the back. They drove to the home where they were staying at and unloaded everything.

"Uncle Francis!" called Kimiko. "We're home!" There was no answer. "Uncle Francis?"

"Don't worry Kimiko, he's probably asleep or something."

"But it's going to be noon..."

"Why don't you get lunch started while I check up on him?"

"Oh, well okay." Kimiko put on an apron and took out a large knife from the wooden block it was encased in. Her mother taught her how to prepare a fish since Kiku loved seafood, so she knew how to use such a large cooking utensil. "Mm, I can't wait to eat this," she said to herself as she began to prepare it. "I love food…especially when it's home cooked!" She was definitely just as gluttonous as her parents.


Angelique finished putting away the fishing supplies in the garage and went back inside the house. She walked upstairs and checked the bathroom first to see if Francis had gotten up yet, but she found it to be empty. "Hmm…maybe he really is still asleep." She went to their bedroom but that was empty as well. "At least he made the bed…"

She shuddered at the thought, but she went on ahead and checked the room Kimiko was staying at. It was empty too, which relieved her since she'd be very freaked out if she found her husband in her niece's room for some odd reason. She guessed he did laundry because there were folded clothes on the foot of the bed.

"Hmm? Why didn't he finish them?" She saw a basket with their washed clothes as well. "Well dang…where could that man be? He's not anywhere downstairs, he's not in any of our rooms…so then where…" Then it hit her. "I…I wonder…did he come to visit again? Or maybe…to come and beat him since Francis is the one who told his brothers that Kimiko was visiting from America…" She gasped and ran to the guest bedroom down the hall.

She heard a familiar voice cursing coming from the room and thumps against the wall. "If that guy hurts Francis again…he's going to get it! I have to think fast…what should I do…?" She grabbed an umbrella from Kimiko's room (since her father told her to take it with her in case it rained in the summer for some odd reason) and held it at the ready. Angelique had her hand on the door knob and slowly turned it, opening it just a peek to see exactly how badly Arthur was attacking Francis.

To her astonishment, those thumps she heard against the wall weren't because they were fighting. And the cursing coming from the Englishman wasn't because he was angry. She felt her face heat up at the scene she was witnessing on the guest bed so she quickly closed the door. She face-palmed and sighed. "I should have known… Arthur never gets to lash out at Francis without him paying a price for it…goodness…what kind of man did I marry? I can't believe I haven't left him yet…"

She put the umbrella back in Kimiko's room and folded the rest of the clothes that were in the basket. Angelique made her way back downstairs to where Kimiko was still cooking.

"What took you so long auntie? The food is almost ready. I had to do this by myself…"

"Well it looks like your uncle left to go run an…errand…so he probably won't be back for a while."

"Really? Aww…and I cooked food for three…" the girl said sadly as she placed some of the food on the table.

"Don't worry. That just means more for us! And you can help me cook dinner later. Though we're probably gonna end up using all the fish we caught today."

"Why do you say that?"

"I think we're going to have a visitor in our home this evening…"


I found out what really happened that day a few years later, and I'm so glad I didn't know back then that Uncle Arthur came to our home while Aunt Angelique and I were out fishing…and that Uncle Francis had a little fun with him while we were away…man… Sometimes I feel like Uncle Francis needs to be neutered or something. His sex drive is just…I don't even know

Mei Wang

Aunt Mei is pretty too. She likes wearing a lot of pinks and she's very stylish. She's from Taiwan but she had traveled to China at one point, where she met Uncle Yao. She does a lot of things Uncle Yao does, so I would spend some of my summers with both of them, learning about their different cultures. She's also good at drawing, much like Uncle Yao. She's kinda spunky, but she's still able to retain that feminine aura about her. Hmm, I don't know what else to say about Aunt Mei. Oh! Yeah, while Uncle Yao raises pandas, she raises tigers. Oh my God she let me take care of a tiger cub too! It was so cuuute ~ ! It would sleep with me but I kept it away from the panda just in case it ever got hungry. Don't want anything bad to happen to the panda…

Uncle Yao didn't really like tigers…

"Uncle Yao, where's Aunt Mei?"

"She said she went to the village to go run an errand. She should be back soon."

"Oh, okay then."

Just as he had said that, Mei walked into the kitchen a few moments later. "Hello!"

"Aunt Mei! Where were you?"

"Oh, I was just visiting a special place."

"A special place?"

"Yep. I'm not gonna tell you where it is, but I have a surprise for you Kimiko!"


"Yes! Now close your eyes."

Kimiko closed her eyes and she heard Yao gasp a few seconds later. She wondered what had happened. "Can I open my eyes now?"

"No you may not!" Yao said. "Mei, we need to talk about this!" The girl heard his footsteps and her aunt's disappear into a room next to the kitchen.

"But Yao, I got it especially for her!"

"You're going to give our niece that? How is she supposed to take care of it? And she's going back to America at the end of the summer. She cannot take that with her!"

"She can leave it here!"

"But then who's going to take care of it while she's gone?"

"I am of course!"


"Yes Yao! It's not fair that you get to keep pandas and I can't keep a-"


Yao and Mei ran to the kitchen where they heard Kimiko's voice. She was giggling as she sat on the floor and had the cub in her arms. "Aww, auntie, it's so cute!"

"See? She loves it!" She walked over to Kimiko. "I got her especially for you!"

"Thank you!" Kimiko hugged her tiger cub who purred.

"Kimiko," Yao began. "You can't honestly want to keep…such an animal, right?"

"Why not? Dad adopted a whale. I don't see why I can't do the same with a tiger!"

Alfred is a bad influence on her…, Yao thought to himself. "Tigers are dangerous animals Kimiko. I don't want you to get hurt!"

"I can handle it."

Yao sighed. "But what are you going to do when you go to America?"

"I'll take her with me."

"You cannot take a tiger cub with you on the plane…"

"Yao just let her keep it."

"But Mei, if that tiger is not tamed properly, she could end up hurting Kimiko!"

"Pandas can be dangerous too Yao! Just because they look cute and cuddly doesn't mean they won't attack!"

"Well they're much better behaved than tigers, that's for—OW!"

The tiger cub had bit his foot and wouldn't let go. She looked happy.

"Get her off me!"

"But Yao, she's teething!"


"Yes! She chews on things when she's little so her teeth can be better developed when she's an adult!"

"For what? So she can eat people like me?!"

"Yao, you're being a drama queen!"

"I'm not being a drama queen! You need to take this cub back—ow!"

"But she likes you already!"

"Well I'm not too fond of her!" He shrieked. "That ferocious beast just ripped the back of my pants off! Mei, return her from wherever you got her from!"

Kimiko tried to drown out her uncle and aunt's arguing over the tiger cub while she just stared down at her bowl of rice. She had wanted to keep the tiger cub for her own, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to the moment the animal found Yao's Shinatty-chan plush and ripped it to shreds.


I was a little sad I didn't get to have a tiger, so like my dad suggested, I adopted one at the local zoo. From that day onward, Aunt Mei would buy me tiger-themed items for my birthday and Christmas since I couldn't keep the cub, and Uncle Yao would counter it with panda-themed items. I really don't understand them…

Elizaveta Edelstein

Finally, there's Aunt Elizaveta. She's my favorite and she's from Hungary. She's the ideal wife: cooks, cleans, does laundry, etcetera. She adores Uncle Rich quite a lot and he's never mean to her, even though to some people he comes off as aloof or cold. But just between you and me, I think she's the man in the relationship. I'm serious. She can kick some serious ass if you get on her nerves or threaten her husband. Unless of course, you're a hot guy trying to molest Uncle Rich, because then she'll watch from afar and have nosebleeds. While she doesn't seem like it, she's really perverted. She enjoys seeing guy on guy action, and she even bribed me once and said if I were to video tape mom and dad when they were getting it on in the bedroom and send it to her, she'd be nice to Uncle Gilbert for a whole year. While I wanted her to be nice to Uncle Gilbert, I couldn't do this to my own parents, so I had to decline after a failed attempt, which made her sad and disappointed. Anyway, while Aunt Liz is awesome and pretty, I try to not stay around her too much when she's in her yaoi fangirl mode because I fear that it will rub off on me and yeah, gotta try to avoid that. You know, I think Uncle Gilbert likes Aunt Liz. They fight a lot, but I can tell he has a huge soft spot for her even though he denies it and acts like he doesn't. I wonder how it would be if she was his wife instead of Uncle Rich's?

I really did try to meet her demands though, just for Uncle Gilbert's sake…

"You…want me to…what?"

"To video tape your parents in the bedroom while they're romancing!"

Kimiko's face went red. "But Aunt Liz, I can't do that!"

"Why not?"

"Because…I just can't!"

"Oh…but…I was just curious…I mean…it shouldn't be too weird since your mom looks almost like a female anyway…"

"I know that Aunt Liz, and so does everybody else in this very strange family, but…I don't think I'd be able to handle it!"

"Of course you will Kimiko! You're strong and determined! Here, I'll even lend you my own video camera." Elizaveta dug into her closest and took out the device. "Now you take that back with you to America and video tape it for me!"

Kimiko stared at the camera worriedly. "Then what do I get out of it?"

Elizaveta thought for a few moments. "How about one hundred bucks?"


"A diamond necklace?"


"Some pastries?"

"No…" Kimiko sighed. "Aunt Liz, I'm sorry, but there is absolutely no way I'm going to do this for you. There is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind."

The Hungarian woman stood quiet for a few moments again, thinking about what to say. She thought and thought and thought. Finally, she came up with a surefire bargain.

"I'll be nice to your Uncle Gilbert for an entire year."

Kimiko looked at her in silence and then said, "…fine."

"Oh thank you Kimiko!" She hugged her niece. "I know you can do this! Just try your best okay?"

"Okay I guess…"

"Now, it's time to prepare dinner. Want to help me? I'll let you choose what we eat tonight."

"Won't Uncle Rich mind?"

"No he won't. He may not say it, but he likes whatever you cook."

"Well alright."


After Kimiko had returned to her home back in America, she waited a few days before she tried anything so as not to make her parents suspicious. "Okay…I've waited at least a week since I got back from Austria…it shouldn't be too suspicious…right? And tonight is one of their nights since whenever mom wears a pink barrette in his hair, I just know that is a symbol that dad's gonna get lucky…"

She took out the video camera from a hidden storage box in her closet, and slowly opened the door. It was about ten in the evening so she had to be very quiet. Her brothers were heavy sleepers, especially Feliciano, but she still didn't want to risk waking them up.

Kimiko turned on the camera and slowly creeped her way down the hall to her parent's bedroom. She was right though because she heard Kiku calling out his spouse's name in a very wanton tone of voice, which made the girl's face heat up. She pointed the camera to the door and slowly opened it just a crack, and tried to focus in the room.

This is for Uncle Gilbert…, she kept thinking to herself. I have to do this for him!

She kept repeating it to herself in her mind faster and faster the more she kept the camera focused on the bed. She noticed their clothing discarded on the floor and her father's glasses on the bedside table. They really are doing it…! Oh my God…

Kimiko had to get a better view for her aunt, so she crawled into the room just a little and hid in a good spot behind the wardrobe closest and the hamper. Surprisingly, it had a good view even though she was in an almost concealed location.

What am I doing…, she kept thinking to herself. How do I get put in these kinds of situations?

The girl stood there recording the entire scene even tough by now her face was the same color as the tomatoes Feli used for dinner that evening. She felt like she was going to pass out. No…I have to endure…I h-have to do this…f-for Uncle Gilbert!

She would have made it if Kiku hadn't shouted "Alfred-sama!" so loudly and pleasurably. The poor girl fainted, the camera still on 'Record'.


Alfred was the first to wake up from his night of passion with his wife. He smiled as he saw that Kiku was asleep, the pink barrette still in his hair. He wrapped an arm around him and under him, holding him tighter against his chest. Kiku made a small groan and opened his eyes and turned his head a bit to see his husband smiling at him.

"Good morning my little chrysanthemum."

Kiku gave a light laugh and replied, "Good morning, my hero."

Alfred chuckled. "Yep, that's me, the ever powerful hero!" He kissed his wife's cheek. "So, wanna send the kids out today?"

"Out to where?"

"I don't know. They can like, go to the mall or something with their friends. It's Saturday anyway. Then we'll have the entire house to ourselves ~"

"Alfred…I was hoping that…"

"That what?"

"Uhm…maybe we could go out somewhere today? It is going to be a very sunny and warm day, at least that's what it said on the weather yesterday."

"Oh, well okay. Where do you want to go?"

Kiku half-shrugged. Alfred smiled again. "How about this: we get up and have breakfast with the kids, then send them out, and then we get ourselves ready for a little date. We could probably go to the beach…eat some lunch while we're there…maybe go to the aquarium…get on a boat and have dinner at that little island…you know, just a day with the two of us near the sea?"

The small spouse smiled in return. "That sounds like a lovely day plan Alfred."

"Heh, thanks! I always come up with the best ideas."

Kiku shook his head and Alfred grinned, kissing his forehead softly. "Well, we better get up! Don't wanna waste a day!" Alfred let go of his wife and sat up, stretching his arms. "Hey Kiku, you should wear that cute white summer dress."

"I am not going to cross-dress in public Alfred…"

"But come on, nobody would be able to tell except me! And if you change the pitch of your voice, it'll be fine!"

Kiku looked at him with disbelief. Alfred made his puppy dog face at the smaller man, something that worked against everyone he knew. "Please? You have that matching sunhat and that blue belt you could wear around your waist so it looks like you have a feminine body…" Kiku looked away. He wasn't going to give in to that face again.

"Pleeeeeeease? You'd look soooo cute Kiku!"

The delicate chrysanthemum sighed and then said, "Alright…I will wear that outfit…but only for today! And we'd have to get home before our children do."


"I don't want them to see me in that outfit."

"Aww come on Kiku, it's not like they haven't seen you in a dress before!"

"But I don't want them to get into the habit of it!" There was a faint blush on his face. Alfred laughed.

"You're so cute when you get flustered like that ~ !"

"Y-You are not helping my mood Alfred!" His blush got deeper. Kiku noticed something sticking out from behind the hamper. "What is that?" he asked pointing to it.

"I have no idea…"

The American put on some clean boxers and pants at least so he could be semi-dressed and walked over to the hamper. His eyes widened when he saw what was behind it. "KIKUUUU!"

"What's wrong Alfred? And I'm right here! You do not have to yell so loudly in the morning!"

"Th-This…just get over here!"

Kiku put on a robe and walked over to his husband and looked in the direction of his horrified face. His expression changed to match that of Alfred's.

"What on earth-! Kimiko!"

The girl was still knocked out, the video camera in her hand. Kiku took it from her and looked at it curiously and played what she had recorded, his blush returning and clasping a hand over his mouth.

"A-A-Alfred…we need to have a serious talk with our daughter…"


I got in BIG trouble for that. I was grounded for half a year. I'm not even kidding you. Of course, I didn't want to tell on Aunt Liz, but when I told her, she personally called my parents and told them everything that had happened. Mom went on an hour long rant about how Aunt Liz isn't supposed to be asking me to do those kinds of things. She felt bad since I was being grounded for six months with no interaction with other people, so even though she didn't get her tape, she decided to at least give me my end of the deal and was nice to Uncle Gilbert for an entire year. He kept writing to me about it, which was quite shocking to him. I may have been grounded and lost any kind of social life I had because of that, but at least Uncle Gilbert wasn't being harassed for a while…

Anyway, those are my five aunts, and as you can see, I don't have a lot to say about them since I mostly spent my time with my uncles. But like my uncles, I still love all of my aunts even though my favorite is Aunt Liz. Oh my…I'm still not finished with my family. Next we're going to get into my cousins and I have A LOT of them…


A/N: Wow. This chapter took me forever to finish, mostly because I had no idea what kind of crack story to write for each of the aunts. As you can see...it got a little out of hand due to my own personal shipping preferences but...eh... xD

Katyusha = Ukraine
Florinda = Belgium
Angelique = Seychelles
Mei = Taiwan
Elizaveta = Hungary

I made Belgium the wife of England by default since she was the only one left and he was the only one without a wife...

Poor Gilbert. He's still lonely.

As for the new uncles that appeared:

Herman = Netherlands
Gavan = Wales
Angus = Northern Ireland
Alec = Scotland

I had no idea how I was going to write out the accents of the three Kirkland brothers, so I just gave Scotland one...hope I didn't offend anybody since I haven't watched a movie with characters who naturally speak in a Scottish accent in a while...

I have to think up all of the cousins and some crack stories for them. Boy, this part is going to be even tougher since I already have a lot of them in mind...

And if you still don't know what inspired this crack fic, it's from the DeviantART "Hetalia Family" meme. Since I fail at drawing, I decided to turn it into a fanfic instead. c:

One last thing: this chapter would have taken even LONGER to be completed if it weren't for my buddy tuxedodawg suggesting ideas for crack stories for each of the aunts. So thank you very much Ita-chan! *hugs* x3
Tags: !fanfic: hetalia family, !fanfiction, crack, hetalia

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