☆ j u b i l e e 。 (calavasas) wrote,
☆ j u b i l e e 。

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☆ [Hetalia Fanfic]: They're Unique, Not Weird - Uncles

Title: They're Unique, Not Weird
Author: Jubilee
Characters/Pairings: OC, Most nations
Rating: T+
Genre: Crack + Humor + Family
Note: Complete crack and it was inspired by a DeviantART meme. Also, it's an AU.
Summary: Hello. The name's Kim and I come from a strange family. I wasn't brought up like a normal child. Nope, my story is a bit different. How is it different? Well how many kids do you know have family members from different parts of the world?
Posted at: calavasas + estorias

Chapters: Intro | Big Brothers | Parents | Uncles | Aunts

Chapter 4: Quirky Uncles

I have six uncles. Their names are Matthew Williams, Arthur Kirkland, Francis Bonnefoy, Yao Wang, Roderich Edelstein, and Gilbert Beilschmidt. Let me go in order so I don't lose any of you.

Matthew Williams

Uncle Matt is my favorite uncle. He's very sweet and considerate. He lives in Canada right now. He's dad's younger twin and a lot of people used to mistake him for my dad, though I thought this strange since Uncle Matt has longer hair and his wild strand is curly. Hmm. Our nuclear family is the exception to this occurrence. It frustrates Uncle Matt when people do this since he is hardly at all like dad. He's a lot calmer and more understanding. While my dad prefers video games, he prefers books. Uncle Matt likes the outdoors so I'd go camping with him sometimes during the summer. He also hardly ever gets angry though he has what my mom calls "passive aggression" meaning he'll hold in his anger and release it in the form of a three-hour-long "Why You Suck" rant. My dad got one of these back in the day and it took Uncle Arthur to stop Uncle Matt from verbally abusing my dad more than he had already. Poor dad was actually reduced to tears when this happened. Actually, my Uncle Matt is the first person who has ever made my dad cry, and I think he's the only person who's capable of this. Uncle Matt also likes bears. Did I tell you he adopted a polar bear cub? He is so cuuuute ~ ! Yeah, Uncle Matt is in tune with nature or something. He likes hiking in the forest and just sitting down listening to the birds or the river. He's also a huge fan of hockey. He and dad would play it a lot when they were boys, and sometimes they still do.

Camping was always fun with Uncle Matt…

"So Kimiko," asked Matthew. "We're on day three of our camping trip! What do you want to do?"

"Uhm…I don't know really. Can we go hiking?"

"Sure, if that's what you want."


Matthew took them both to a hiking trail that lead up to a waterfall. "Okay Kimiko, there's a fishing spot once we get to the top, so I brought two rods so we can fish together!"

"Oh okay! Can I catch a sea monster? I wanna show daddy when I go back home!"

"Uhm…w-well we're in the forest…which is nowhere near the ocean…"

"Oh…I see…"

"B-But you can still catch some really big fish, almost as big as you!"

Kimiko's eyes sparkled. "Wow! Really?"


"Okay, then let's go Uncle Matt!"

The two began to hike up the trail to the waterfall along with a few other people. Kimiko was having fun climbing over rocks and such, but Matthew was getting tired when they were halfway up.

"S-Slow down Kimiko…" he said as he stopped to catch his breath. "This part is very slippery since we're getting closer to the waterfall!"

"But we're almost there!"

"Well let's wait a bit so Uncle Matt can catch his breath."

Kimiko frowned but sat down next to her uncle on a rock, letting other people get ahead of them. She watched the waterfall and saw a rainbow forming towards the bottom. "Uncle Matt, lookit! There's a rainbow down there! It's so pretty!"

Matthew smiled. "Yes it is."

"Wow, I've never seen a rainbow."

When Matthew had enough rest, the two continued to hike up the trail and they finally reached the top of the waterfall which was flat. Matthew fell onto the ground and hugged it as best as he could. "Y-Yes! Flat land!"

Kimiko laughed at him. "Uncle Matt, what are you doing? You're gonna look like a crazy person if you do that!"

"Oh nothing. I-I just really love this rock!"

"Oh okay. It looks like any other big rock but whatever!" Her stomach growled. "Uncle Matt…I'm hungry…"

Matthew looked at his watch. "Well it's about lunch time right now. Why don't we pick a spot to eat?"

"Yay!" Kimiko ran around trying to look for a spot that wasn't occupied. She found one in the shade of the trees near a stream. "Over here!"

Matthew walked over to where she was and sat down on a large rock. He took out their lunch and they began to eat.

"Are you having fun Kimiko?"

"Yes! I like spending time with you Uncle Matt because we get to go out and see cool things like animals! And we also get to fish and bird watch and do so many other fun stuff!"

Matthew chuckled. "I'm glad you're having fun." He had finished his lunch and then said, "Well, this looks like a good fishing spot, so I'll start setting up the fishing rods." He walked closer to the stream and began to adjust both rods and put bait on them.

Kimiko saw a squirrel and threw a piece of bread at it. The squirrel ate it heartily. She had another piece in her hand and held it out for the squirrel to get it. It approached her and took the bread from her hand. It sniffed her fingers for any more food.

"Uhm…I don't have any more…oh wait." She took out a bag of sunflower seeds from her pocket. "Here you go!" She put some sunflower seeds in her hand and let the squirrel eat them. When it was finished, it scurried off but then returned with another squirrel. Kimiko fed that one too, and then another one came, so she fed it as well.

"Kimiko!" shouted Matthew. "The rods are ready so we can fish now!" He was about to cast his line when he heard footsteps behind him. He smiled and turned around. "Okay Kimiko, so let me—KIMIKO!"

The girl had a gang of squirrels following her. One was on her shoulder, another sitting on her head, one in the pocket of her overalls, and one clinging to her leg. The squirrels on the ground looked up at her for more sunflower seeds.

"K-Kimiko! Wh-What happened?"

"Oh, well I started to feed the squirrels sunflower seeds but then I ran out. Uncle Matt, do you have any more?"

He stared at his niece in disbelief. "No, I don't have any more, but leave the squirrels alone and tell them to go away!"

"But they're my friends and they're cute and cuddly!"

"They could have a disease or something!"

"No they don't! They're clean."

"How can you tell?"

"Because if they had a disease, they'd be green."

Matthew didn't know where she got that idea from (probably from his idiot twin brother), but the next time he took her fishing, he made sure to leave the sunflower seeds at the campsite.


That was a really fun day. I like Uncle Matt but sometimes I think he's a bit of a pushover like Feli, except not as bad. Either way, he's a good guy and I really like spending time with him!

Arthur Kirkland

Uncle Arthur…well what can I say about him? He is…well if I had words to describe him: cynical and sarcastic. That basically sums up who he is on the exterior (though in the interior he's actually very loving). He and dad fight a lot. It's easy to make Uncle Arthur angry. He has a really short temper. You know, I'm glad I'm not his child, otherwise I would have caterpillars for eyebrows. They are SO thick my God. He takes pride in them for some reason though. I can't comprehend it. He has a British accent, which a lot of girls in my school think is sexy. Yeah, once I had to take him to parent conference since mom and dad were both busy with something, so when I took him to school, a lot of my girl friends told me things like "Oh my God your uncle is so sexy. His accent…!" and then they'd squeal. I think it's creepy when your friends think your uncle is the sexiest man alive because he has an accent. I don't know. That's just me. But Uncle Arthur is a pure gentleman around the women, even around my mom though technically he's a guy but whatever. He's really only sarcastic and cynical towards my dad and other males in my family, minus Uncle Matt because he's too nice to be treated that way. Uncle Arthur believes fairies, unicorns, elves, dragons, etcetera actually exist. One summer, my parents flew me to England to go stay with my uncle for a while. And I'm one of those people who has to see things to believe them. Well…I saw them. At first I fainted due to shock, so my uncle was panicking because I wouldn't wake up for quite some time. Gradually I got used to seeing these creatures, though nobody else would believe me when I told them about it. Uncle Arthur…well though we enjoyed ourselves that summer, I survived on chocolate bars and bread because he'd try to feed me his cooking. Never, I repeat, never eat what he makes. You will either have stomach cramps or get food poisoning. His cooking is so horrendous yet it tastes perfectly fine to him. Thank God that Uncle Francis was always around that summer.

But seeing really is believing…

Kimiko walked around the airport with her luggage looking for her uncle. "Oh…where is he? I've never been to England so I don't want to get lost…"


She turned around and smiled. "Uncle Arthur!" She ran up to him and hugged him.

"Sorry I was late in picking you up, but some idiot kept following me around so I had to dispose of him." He looked up into nothingness with anger in his face, but then it transformed into a genuine smile as he looked down at his niece. "So welcome to England!"

"Oh thank you Uncle Arthur. I've never been here, but I do want to see all the tourist spots!"

"Well there will be enough time for that since you're staying the whole summer. Here, let me help you." He grabbed some of her luggage and she followed him outside the airport to where he had parked his car. He put the luggage in the back. "There we go! All set!"

Arthur opened up the door to the passenger seat and Kimiko got in. Then he sat down in the driver's seat and started the car.

"So Kimiko, what made you decide to come to England to visit?"

"Well my parents wanted to take a tropical vacation in Jamaica and my brothers all decided that they wanted to spend their summer with their friends so I was going to be left all alone. That's when dad said I should come to England and visit you so I won't be lonely, and so you won't be lonely."

"Wh...! Why that no good…" He huffed. "Well don't you worry Kimiko. We're going to have fun this summer since your father is an incompetent parent and can't care for his own child." It's not that he was angry that Alfred would have left Kimiko by herself during the summer. He was angry because Alfred accused him of being lonely.

"Oh okay. So what are we going to do first?"

Arthur smiled. "Well, there's a special place I want you to see since you're young enough to believe. I'm pretty sure you'll like it!"

"Oh really? Wow I'm getting excited!"

They drove into the countryside, Kimiko staring out the window curiously. She loved the lush green land she saw. She felt like just running through it on a horse. Arthur smiled when he noticed his niece's fascination with his country's beauty.

"Well, here we are." He stopped the car and then got off, letting Kimiko get off too.

"This place looks so fresh!"

Arthur held her hand and walked her over to a cave. "Okay, what I'm about to show you is secret so you can't tell anybody okay?"

"Okay. I promise."

"Good. Now let's carry on." He made sure to hold onto her hand tightly, because if she was anything like her father, she could run off and get in trouble. When they reached the end of the cave, they came to what seemed like a garden, but it looked very mystical.

"Woah. It's so…so sparkly in here! And so many colors!" She heard her uncle speaking, but not to her. She turned around and saw small creatures floating around him.

"Oh Kimiko! Come here, I want you to meet somebody!"

Kimiko slowly approached him. "Uhm…Uncle Arthur…what are…"

He looked at the floating creatures. "This here ladies is my niece Kimiko! She's from America."

"Oh she's so cute!" said one.

"Yes, and she has such nice eyes!" said another.


"Kimiko, these are my faerie friends!"

The fairies waved at her. "Hello little girl!"

Slowly she waved back at them and that's when she noticed a horse walking up next to Arthur, nudging him on the arm. "Oh there you are!" he said as he pet it's snout. "Kimiko, this is a unicorn. They're rare to find but they're very beautiful creatures!"

"Oh Arthur!" said a fairy. "The egg hatched!"

"It did?"

"Yes! Look!"

He followed the fairies to a small nest with a single cracked shell. "I don't see it…"

"Oh! It's right behind you!"

Arthur turned around and saw a baby dragon flying in front of him. He took it gently and held it in his arms. "He's beautiful! Simply magnificent!"

"Yes he is!"

"Kimiko! Come look!"

Slowly the girl walked up to her uncle. "Look here Kimiko, it's a baby dragon! Isn't he precious?"

The girl stared at the dragon, then at the unicorn, and then at the fairies. Finally she looked at her uncle who had such an excited face, but then he became concerned. "Kimiko?"

The next second, Kimiko fell backwards and fainted, Arthur panicking along with the fairies.


Uncle Arthur is actually a nice person. You just have to make sure to stay on his good side and not annoy him. He's got the shortest temper in my family and also the foulest mouth. I think the only reason he's nice to me is because I can see the things he does, and because I'm also my mom's child and he's fond of my mom, so yeah. If my uncle didn't know my mom or didn't like her, I think he'd treat me a bit different since I'm my dad's child and he gets annoyed of my dad so yeah. Also, though Uncle Arthur claims my dad is an incompetent parent, he really shouldn't be talking since he's an incompetent guardian when he drinks, therefore my Uncle Francis comes to take me away from him so nothing bad happens to me.

Francis Bonnefoy

Uncle Francis, aside from Feli, has the best cooking in the world. I love practically everything he makes. It's so delicious! The next summer I spent it with him in France. Oh it's so beautiful over there! He'd take me to all the tourist hotspots and all these cafes. He's very flamboyant and wouldn't let me go outside unless I dressed like him, fancy I mean. I now have various articles of clothing with ruffles and pinks in them. Not to mention the lingerie… Uncle Francis…being the guy he is, is what Uncle Arthur would call "a sexual deviant". Even though I was barely thirteen that summer, he'd already picked out undergarments for me to wear when I was old enough. Uncle Arthur burned these when he came to visit us one time. It's funny. They really hate each other, yet they're hardly ever separate from each other for more than a week. I'd always laugh at the fights they'd have or when Uncle Francis would flirt with Uncle Arthur, the latter clearly blushing out of embarrassment even though he was yelling at the top of his lungs. Uncle Francis isn't as bad as he seems. He's just…very very perverted. Oh yeah, and he's the other otaku I was talking about previously. He likes wearing cat ears and tails. Yeah I don't even… Well, the thing I loved best about visiting Uncle Francis was when he'd take me to his farm in the country side. He takes great pride in it. I loved helping him out around the place, and then he'd cook the most delicious lunches and dinners for us. My friends back in America thought he was hot as well. Good Lord…it seems like any man with an accent is automatically sexy to them…

Uncle Arthur didn't want me to visit Uncle Francis when I got older though…

Francis walked up to his niece who had just finished feeding the sheep. "Ah! Are you done?"

"Yes Uncle Francis. I fed all of the sheep, just like you said."

"Wonderful!" He ruffled her hair. "Well mon petit, I assume you're hungry?"

"Uhm…kinda. It's noon now and I have been working hard all day…"

"Yes you have, and all summer too! Well, let's go inside the house and I'll make us something to eat."

Kimiko followed her uncle into the house. She washed her hands in the bathroom and then went to the kitchen where her uncle had started to cook. He had an apron on and had his hair tied back in a ribbon.

"Uncle Francis."


"You have really nice hair. I wish mine looked that smooth…"

He laughed. "Oh but your hair is soft Kimiko! I think you have nice hair."



"Oh. Well, I want to cut it."

"But why?"

"I don't like that this wild strand sticks up. It looks strange with long hair!"

"Kimiko, your hair is fine."

"I don't think so. Anyway, mom said I could cut it when I got to high school, which is like one more year."

Francis sighed. "Long hair is beautiful Kimiko and you should be happy you have so much of it on your head."

"Is that why you don't cut your hair Uncle Francis? Because it looks beautiful?"

The Frenchman laughed. "You're sharp for your age."

Kimiko giggled. Francis served them both the food he had made, which Kimiko ate happily. "Uncle Francis, your cooking is so delicious!"

"Thank you! I'm glad you like it. It's not anything like that horrendous garbage your Uncle Arthur makes."

The girl chuckled. "Yeah, and thanks for also stopping by every time Uncle Arthur would try to cook for me."

"Oh it's no problem at all. I don't want him poisoning your taste buds or your stomach with that excuse he calls food." He took a bite of his cuisine and then said, "So Kimiko, are you excited to move on to high school back in America?"

"Kinda…I heard there's a lot of bullies there…and the movies I watch about high school aren't helping…"

"I'm sure you'll be fine Kimiko."

"You think so?"

"Yes, very much."

"Oh, okay. I really like being here with you Uncle Francis. It's fun and I have something to do over the summer. Plus, I get to play with the farm animals!"

Francis chuckled. "You don't know how much it pleases me to hear you say that! Oh, I just remembered! I bought you a new outfit!"

"Another one?"

"Yes! When we're finished with our lunch, I'll show it to you! I'm sure you'll like it!"

"Oh, okay."

When the two had finished their meal, they walked up the stairs to Francis' room. "Look, here it is!" He took out a pink blouse with maroon pinstripes and opalescent buttons down the center. The short sleeves were ruffled at the edges. He then showed her a matching skirt which was a solid color of maroon. "Do you like it?"

"It looks nice Uncle Francis!"

"I knew you would think highly of it! I must see how you look in it! Here, take it to your room and change so I may see if it fits!"

Kimiko walked to her room and changed into the outfit. From outside the door, Francis asked, "Are you finished?"


He came in. "It looks marvelous! Oh I knew you'd look wonderful in it!"

"Uhm…but it's kinda tight…"

"Really? I was sure I got the right size…"

"Well it's a bit tight from the front…"

He walked up to her and looked at her outfit, a hand on his chin. "Hmm. I think I might know what's wrong. Here, maybe you need to loosen a few of these buttons." He began to undo a few of the top buttons from her blouse.


Francis turned around. "Arthur?" His eyebrows furrowed. "How did you get into my house? And what are you even doing here?"

"That isn't as important as what you were about to do to my niece!"

"The blouse did not fit so I was undoing some of the buttons!"

"Was it for her benefit or yours?"

"Benefit?" Francis was stumped. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Ha! Don't play dumb with me! I know the only reason you were 'aiding' her was because you wanted a preview of her femininity!"

"How dare you accuse me of such a thing! Why on earth would I want to do that to my own niece?"

"Oh you know very well why frog." He looked at the girl. "Kimiko! You're coming to stay with me for the rest of the summer!"

"B-but I wanna stay with Uncle Francis!"

"And I want you to stay with me too," Francis said as he petted her head. "And what gives you the right Arthur to take her away from moi? You know she's my niece too!"

"But I wouldn't try to molest my own niece like you were about to do!"

"I was not! Though I know why the blouse didn't fit now Kimiko."

"Really? Why?"

"Why? Kimiko! It couldn't fit properly over your developing chest!"

"I knew it!" Arthur shouted accusingly, pointing with a finger. "That's it. I'm going to advise Alfred and Kiku to not let Kimiko spend her summers with you in the future, seeing as how she is turning into a young lady and being the disgusting pervert you are, you will try to take advantage of her!"

Francis was clearly not pleased. "I will never do such a thing to Kimiko! Unless…she wants it of course ~ "

Kimiko nearly hit her uncle over the head with the chair in her room, but Arthur already attacked him by punching him in the face.

"That's it! I am taking her with me to my house in England where she can be safe."

"She won't be safe when you go to the pubs and get drunk! She's told me the stories of how she has to lock herself up in her room when she comes to visit you so that way you don't do anything disturbing!"

"That is a lie!"

"No it is not!"

"You sir are just trying to find any accuse you can to let her stay with you! Well I will not have it! Do you hear me Francis? I'd rather have somebody else be victimized by your sexual drive instead of an innocent girl like her!"

"Oh, really now Arthur? Somebody like you perhaps ~ ?"

Arthur's cheeks turned red. "Excuse me? When exactly did I say—HEY!" Francis grabbed Arthur's midsection and threw him over his shoulder, carrying him out of the room.

"Oh Kimiko ~ You might want to go help the attendants out in the farm for a while ~ !" Francis chimed from the hallway.

"LET GO OF ME YOU FUCKING-" but Arthur's words were cut off when the door to Francis' room slammed shut.

Kimiko walked over to her nightstand and took out her traveling journal. She took a pencil from the drawer and opened up the book. She read as she wrote. "Week Five – Day 3. Helped out Uncle Francis around the farm again in which I fed the cute fluffy sheep. We ate lunch and then he showed me a new outfit he bought for me. I try it on but it doesn't fit because I'm growing. Uncle Arthur comes into Uncle Francis' house uninvited and starts to rant as usual. They argue over me again and Uncle Francis' apparent perversion. Uncle Francis defeats Uncle Arthur and carries him to his room to punish him. AGAIN."

She wrote the last word in capitals and darkened the letters various times.


I was thankful that Uncle Francis had at least some level of morality. I was still safe with him over the course of that summer, so I didn't worry about it further. Though Uncle Arthur visited us a lot to check up on me, much to the annoyance of Uncle Francis, except I think Uncle Arthur was the one who was endangered by Uncle Francis, not me. Hmm. If anything, he's the one who needs to be protected from Uncle Francis.

Yao Wang

Uncle Yao is my mom's elder brother. So the summer after I visited Uncle Francis, my parents flew me to China to go visit Uncle Yao. He has a huge house. Really. It looks so grand. I liked wearing the clothes he bought for me. He has various pandas living in his residence. They are so cute and cuddly! I got to take care of a cub the whole summer since panda mothers can only take care of a single child if they have more than one cub, so the other one gets neglected and is left to die. Uncle Yao takes care of the neglected ones. That is so nice of him. He took me to see the Great Wall of China. It is AMAZING. All of my uncles take me to see their national monuments, like Uncle Arthur took me to Big Ben and Stonehenge and Uncle Francis took me to the Eiffel Tower and the Arc De Triumph. Uncle Yao has amazing food as well. It seems like all my uncles have great food except Uncle Arthur. It's kinda sad, but oh well. I asked Uncle Yao to teach me some martial arts. The training was hard! He is so flexible that it's unbelievable. He's kinda strict which made me miss Uncle Francis since he's a lot more lenient with me, but I liked visiting Uncle Yao. He taught me how to write in his language too, though I was struggling a bit since I'm used to writing in English and Japanese mostly…so I'm still not very fluent in Chinese. The thing we liked doing together most is cooking. I told him his food tasted different from the Chinese food in America, but that was because American Chinese food was "fake" and he felt sorry for me because I didn't know what actual Chinese food tasted like. I wasn't complaining though. It was definitely a lot better than the kind I had back in the States.

Who knew my body needed so much work…

Kimiko walked down the hallway and into Yao's room. "Uncle Yao!"

"Ah! Kimiko! Are you finished with your chores?"

"Yes, I did everything on the list for today."

"You're getting good at time management. It's only three o'clock and you're already finished! Good job!"

"Thank you Uncle Yao."

"For your hard work, I'll make you something to eat!" He put his shoulder around Kimiko and they walked to the kitchen. Kimiko sat down and watched her uncle cook. It was always entertaining because he'd do everything quickly and with style. A panda cub walked up to her and Kimiko held it in her lap, petting it while she watched her uncle cook.

"There! Finished! Come, it's time to eat!"

Kimiko set the panda down and washed her hands and then joined Yao at the table. "Mm, this smells delicious!" She grabbed the chopsticks in front of her and began to eat.

Yao was pleased that she liked his food. "You're the only one besides Feliciano that eats this much! Then again, your father eats a lot too…and sometimes your mother does as well…"

"Guess I come from a family of big eaters!"

Kimiko ate in silence as Yao cleaned all the dishes he had used. When the girl had finished, she asked, "Uncle Yao, can I learn martial arts?"

"Hmm? You want to learn?"

"Yes. I see you do them all the time outside when I'm watering the plants and taking care of the cubs. It looks really awesome and I wanted to try it."

"Well first Kimiko, you must train your body to become flexible. If you do not have flexibility, it will be difficult."

"Oh…well, I'm athletic?"

"Aiya, that isn't necessarily the same…" He finished washing all of the dishes and then he looked at her. "Kimiko, you may be athletic and are able to run fast, but if your body isn't flexible, martial arts, at least the ones I do, will be difficult to learn."

"Then teach me how to be flexible! I wanna go back to America and show my parents what I've learned!"

"It's going to take time Kimiko! You can't learn within a day or so!"

"But I'm up for it!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! I won't back down and I'll work hard at it!"

"Well okay then. We'll start tomorrow."

"Thanks Uncle Yao!" She ran up to him and hugged him. He laughed.

Kimiko went to bed later that night, but was awoken a few hours later. "Kimiko!"

"Gah! Uncle Yao! What are you doing!" she asked. "It's…" She looked at her phone. "It's four o'clock in the morning!"

"I start my training early! That's why I go to sleep early! Now get up! Here, put this on." After Yao left the room, Kimiko put on the clothes he gave her. "Well, at least these are fashionable…"

She yawned as she walked outside to where Yao usually trained.

"Now then Kimiko, since this is your first time doing something like this, we'll start off easy."


"We're going to jog down the mountain to the town, and then back up to my house."

"What! That's not easy!"

"You must gain endurance!"

So Kimiko followed Yao down the mountain from the big fancy house and then when they reached the town, Yao bought some groceries. He gave most of them to Kimiko so she had some kind of weight while jogging back up. When they reached the house again, Kimiko collapsed on the ground.

"Get up Kimiko! There is no time to laze around!"

She groaned but obeyed. She put all the groceries in the kitchen and sat down, only to be told to get up and walk outside.

"Good Kimiko. Now, we're going to jog every morning and I will be timing you to see how much you've improved. Next, I want to see if you can balance yourself." He walked over to a wooden post. He patted it and said, "I want you to climb up this post."

"And then what?"

"Then I want you to stand on it."

"Uncle Yao! The top of that post is too small! I won't be able to stand on it!"

"If I can do this, then so can you!"

Kimiko groaned again but began to climb the post. When she got to the top, she attempted to stand on it with both feet, but she fell down, Yao catching her before she hit the cobblestone floor.

"Try it again."

The girl attempted over and over until she finally got it. "L-Look Uncle Yao! I did it!"

"Great job! Now then!" He rushed inside and brought back some bowls. "I want you to balance these on your head and on your hands. And every time you break one is another mile we jog in the morning."


After various attempts and various exercises, Kimiko was exhausted by the time Kiku came to pick her up from the airport. They got into the car and then began to drive home.

"So how was your summer with your Uncle Yao?"

"AIYA! Don't ask me because then I have to remember it!" She hid her face with a panda plush.

"He probably made her go through those ridiculous training exercises…" Kiku said to himself.


That was one of the most harshest summers ever. I mean, I like Uncle Yao and all, but damn! I've never had to work so hard in my life! Anyway, now I know why dad told me "Good luck" when I boarded the plane to China… But I'll tell you one thing, I'm much more appreciative of all the leniency I have here at home!

Roderich Edelstein

Uncle Roderich is probably one of the most cultured people I have ever known. The following summer I went to go visit him in Austria. I don't have as strong of a relationship with Uncle Rich unlike Uncle Matt, Arthur, Francis, and Yao, but mom thought it would be good for me to spend a few months with each of my uncles to get to know them better. Apparently all of my brothers had to go through the same process at one point in their lives. Uncle Rich taught me how to play the piano and other musical instruments. He also said I lacked proper discipline, so he'd make me clean his gigantic house when I misbehaved. He said I was also just as gluttonous as Feli. Though Uncle Rich was even stricter with me than Uncle Yao, he wasn't mean. He actually helped me out sometimes with the house cleaning when I was punished. His neighbor Ludwig would visit at times so I had to always act like a proper young lady, and then sometimes his other neighbor Vash would happen to stop by with his little sister Lili, though I don't know why since Uncle Rich and Vash always seem distant towards each other. Uncle Rich was the only uncle who required me to wear dresses. I had to dress fancy (he's a fancy person, sometimes more than Uncle Francis) and act like a proper young lady when company came over. I mean, in a way I was okay with it since I got used to mom dressing me up when I was small, but I really just wanted to go outside and explore. I didn't know much about Austria and Uncle Rich was always absorbed in composing music so I wanted to discover the wonders of that country on my own, except he caught me every time I tried to sneak out. Frankly, he was a lot more of a parent, both a mother and a father, than my actual biological ones…

I really felt out of place here…

"Kimiko, it's time for your piano lesson."

The girl got up and walked over to the large room where the piano was placed. Roderich was waiting beside it. Kimiko sat down on the stool and Roderich placed a sheet of music in front of her.

"Now, I want to see how much you've learned since the beginning of the summer."


Slowly she began to play the piano, getting faster and more accurate once she got comfortable. When she finished, she looked at her uncle. "How was that?"

"You've improved greatly from the first time you attempted this song."

"Thank you."

"Now, I want to see if you've also been keeping up with your violin lessons too."

Kimiko sighed and then grabbed the violin from the table and tuned it, then began to play the song she was taught to learn by the end of the summer. When she finished, she looked at her uncle.

"Hmm…I think it still needs a bit of work. You're playing it too fast."

The girl groaned. "Uncle Roderich, why do I have to learn how to play musical instruments?"

"You need some culture in you."

"I do have culture! I'm American and Japanese! Plus Aksel is Danish, Yong Soo is Korean, and Feli is Italian! How much more cultured can I get?"

"Please use your indoor voice young lady! There is no reason to yell!"


He pushed the bridge of his glasses up. "That's alright. Anyway, I think it's about time we have lunch." The doorbell rang. He walked over to it and opened it. "Oh, Ludwig."

"Good afternoon Roderich."

"Yes, good afternoon."

He led him inside to the music room where Kimiko was at. When she saw Ludwig, she gave a courtesy, just like her uncle taught her to do. "Good afternoon Mr. Ludwig."

"Good afternoon Kimiko." He looked at Roderich. "Is your niece staying the entire summer?"

"Yes, her parents are on vacation again and her brothers went on vacation with their college friends, so they sent her here to stay with me."

"I see."

"Uncle Roderich…can we eat now? I'm hungry…"

He sighed. "Yes we may eat. Pardon Ludwig, but I should have told you we were going to eat."

"That's alright. I just wanted to stop by and say hello. Since I am here, why don't I treat?"

"Oh, well-"

"That would be great Mr. Ludwig! Thanks a whole bunch!"

"Inside voice Kimiko!"

She pouted. Ludwig only smiled. "You remind me a lot of your brother Kimiko."

"Which one?"

"Feliciano. He was just as loud as you were."


"Yes. How is he doing by the way?"

"Oh Feli's doing okay. He got accepted to a college of design back in America. He's doing great! But he says that if he doesn't get to have his dream job as a fashion designer, he wants to be a chef and move to Italy."

"He sure set some high goals."

"Yeah, but even though Feli is super naïve and oblivious, he's actually very smart when it comes to the things he likes. It's amazing really."

"That's interesting. Well, I suppose we should get going."

Kimiko followed her Uncle Roderich and the neighbor Ludwig to a restaurant. As they approached it, they ran into Vash and his sister Lili.



For a while they just stared at each other. Then Roderich looked at Lili and smiled. "Hello Lili. How are you doing today?"

"Oh, very well thank you Mr. Edelstein. And yourself?"

"Ludwig invited us out to eat." He motioned his hand to Kimiko. "This is my niece from America. Say hello."

"Oh, hello." She curtseyed again. "I'm Kimiko. Uhm…nice to meet you Lili."

"Oh, it's very nice to meet you too! This is my big brother Vash."

"Hello Mr. Vash," said Kimiko.

"Hello. You are Roderich's niece?"

"Yes, I'm spending the summer with him this year since my parents and big brothers are on vacation."

"You poor child."

"Anyway," Roderich interrupted. "We were about to have lunch so if you wouldn't mind Vash…"

"Big brother," Lili began as she tugged on his sleeve. "I'm a bit hungry."

"Oh, what would you like to eat?"

"Well I wanted to eat at that restaurant over there." She pointed to the building, which was the exact one Kimiko was going to eat at.

"We were just about to eat there," Ludwig said. "Why don't you join us?"

"No, we don't have time," Vash told him. "We were actually on our way to-"

"Oh, well that's too bad. I was going to treat-"

"W-Well Lili is hungry, so I suppose we can make time to have lunch."

Ludwig shook his head. Vash was too predictable.

When the five were seated and ordered their food, Lili began to eat it happily, getting some crumbs on her face.

"Lili," Vash said as he grabbed a napkin and cleaned her face. "Please slow down. That's not seemly."

"Sorry brother…"

"It's alright."

Kimiko on the other hand scarffed everything down, Roderich watching her in horror. "Kimiko! What are you doing!"

"I'm eating," she said with her mouth full.

"That is not how proper young ladies eat! How old are you?"


"Then please act like it! You're getting it all over your dress!"

"So? It's always washable."

"Kimiko, when we return, you're going to have to scrub all of the floors!"

"Damn it!"

"Young ladies also do not curse! My goodness what do they teach you in America!"

Lili chuckled and Vash shook his head. Ludwig slowly face-palmed, being reminded of Feliciano's horrible table manners. She's definitely his sister all right, he thought to himself.


I felt even more like a doll over there at Austria than I did back home. Dresses every day. I wasn't allowed to wear jeans or shirts or blouses. I wasn't allowed to wear my sunglasses or my colorful bracelets. I couldn't put on any of my novelty necklaces or anything I brought with me! I basically had a whole new wardrobe when I went to go visit Uncle Roderich. I mean, the clothes were nice and everything, but dresses every day! It's hot in the summer man! Still, I didn't hate being with Uncle Roderich that summer. When I behaved, he was actually very pleasant.

Gilbert Beilschmidt

And finally, the summer after that I went to Germany to go visit Uncle Gilbert. Supposedly he's Prussian even though he lives in Germany. I have no idea what the hell Prussia even is or that it was an actual place, so I just humor my uncle and say he's Prussian, not German. My uncle…well he has got to be the craziest uncle a person could ever have. I mean, not that he's actually mentally insane, but he's very bold. Apparently he comes off as annoying to most of the human population because of his inflated ego, but I don't think he's that bad. In fact, he says he wants to make me awesome like him, though not as awesome because nobody can be more awesome than he. Uncle Gilbert loves chicks, and I'm not talking about girls. I'm talking about the actual animal. I never see him without one sitting on his head, on his shoulder, sticking out of his pocket, and so forth. They're so adorable ~ He gave me one for actually wanting to come visit him because apparently nobody else did which made him lonely, though he'd never admit it and say he enjoyed being alone. I could tell he was lying. Poor guy. He doesn't even have a wife. I kinda feel bad for him since he got so happy when I was in his company. Anyway, we'd spend our days sightseeing and feeding the chicks and playing with them. Uncle Gilbert knows to have fun, though Uncle Rich told him if anything ever happened to me while I was under his care, he was going to regret it. Apparently my dad felt the same way. Uncle Gilbert never let any harm come to me though. He was actually very responsible of my well-being, much to the astonishment of the rest of my family. I felt a little sad leaving Uncle Gilbert at the end of the summer since he was going to be by himself again, but I promised to call him when I got the chance. Like I had said, he gave me a chick to take home, who I named Kimibird since his main one is named Gilbird. Now I take pictures of her and send them to Uncle Gilbert via email.

Of course, I smelled like chicken when I went back to America…

"Well, here we are!" Gilbert said as he threw open his door. "My awesome house!"

Kimiko put down her luggage and glanced around. "Uncle Gilbert…"


"This place is a mess!"

"Oh well I haven't gotten around to cleaning it much!"

"Yeah I can tell! My gosh…"

Kimiko walked around and went to the kitchen and looked in the fridge. "There's nothing in here but pizza boxes…some of them are even old! What the…Chinese food?"

"Yeah I eat take out a lot."

Kimiko walked to the living room and noticed it was a mess as well. She proceeded up the stairs and saw that most of the rooms were messy. "Uncle Gilbert! Living like this is unhealthy!" Her mom's cleanliness had rubbed off on her over the years.

"Well don't worry Kim! I saved the cleanest room for ya!" He opened the door and she found that the room was indeed, clean. Well, it was more like empty. All that was in it was a dresser, a night stand, and a bed.

"This…is the cleanest room you have Uncle Gilbert?"

"Yeah. Since I don't live with anybody, this room was just a spare, like if I had guests over or something."

Kimiko didn't know why people would even want to visit her uncle with such a horrendous mess but she decided to just drop it. "Er…thanks."

"You're welcome!"

After Kimiko finished unpacking she sat down on the bed and sighed, staring at the wall. "I'm kinda missing Uncle Roderich now…"

"Hey Kim!" Gilbert shouted from downstairs.


"C'mere! I wanna show you something!"

Kimiko walked downstairs and her uncle led her outside in the backyard. Surprisingly, it was the only clean place in the entire residence.

"Look." He had his hands closed over something, and when he opened them, a chick was in his palms. It gave a cheep.

"Aww it's so cute Uncle Gilbert!"

"Isn't he? His name is Gilbird." He placed him on his head. "He's my buddy!"

"Well he's really adorable!"

"I have a lot more! Look!" He showed her to a henhouse with a lot of chicks in it. It was connected to a fenced off enclosed area where more chicks walked and cheeped about.

"Uncle Gilbert! You have so many!"

"Yeah, your Uncle Rich told me I should get a hobby, so I raise chickens!"

"Do you eat them?"

"Oh god no! I'd never eat the ones I raise! When they turn into adults, I sell them to people."

"But what if they eat them?"

"Hey, what they plan to do with that chicken is their business." He held up his hands in defense.

"Oh…well…okay I guess."

"Anyway just thought I should show you since I heard you like cute things and all."

"Well thanks for showing me Uncle Gilbert. Now, we need to clean your house!"

"Clean? Right now?"

"Yes right now! It's a mess in there! Come on!"

Kimiko dragged her uncle back to the house. "Guess spending your previous summer with Uncle Rich changed you…"

For the first two weeks, Kimiko cleaned her uncle's house, forcing him to help her since it was his home after all, not hers. Then when they had finished, she decided to buy some groceries (since they were tired from cleaning so they always went to eat out) and show him how to cook.

"Mom and Feli are great cooks. So are Uncle Francis and Uncle Yao. I learned how to cook from them so now I'm gonna teach you."


"So you can learn how to cook for yourself when I'm gone! Now look…" She began to show him how to prepare different meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

"And just because, here's a gift." She handed him a wrapped package. He opened it and looked at the object.

"A cook book?"

"Yeah, I bought it when we went to the store. I didn't bring any cook books from home so that one will have to do. Anyway, I hope you'll use it so you can provide for yourself Uncle Gilbert!"

"But I do provide for myself! Otherwise I would be dead by now!"

"You can't always go out to eat. Mom says that can get expensive and home cooked meals are always the best kind anyway."

"I guess…"

"Well, your house is clean now!"

Gilbert walked around his home and noticed that it was indeed, very clean. "Damn, I never thought my house would be this clean ever again! Thanks Kim!"

"You're welcome Uncle Gilbert."

"Now I can let the chicks in!"


Gilbert returned with an armful of chicks and dumped them in the living room. Kimiko's jaw nearly dropped. "Uncle Gilbert!"


"Wh-What are you doing!"

"Bringing in the chicks! I always felt bad leaving them outside when it rained and when it was really cold, 'specially during the winter."

"B-But we just cleaned this place-"

"Exactly! Now they won't get lost and die somewhere! They have a healthy indoor shelter! And it smells nice!"

"It won't smell nice for long if you have so many inside at one time!"

"Aww, but that's what air freshener is for!"

Kimiko face-palmed. "Okay…it's your house Uncle Gilbert…"

For the remainder of the summer, Gilbert took Kimiko to different places around Germany since she worked so hard the first two weeks. They also spent time raising the chicks and taking care of them. Kimiko had gotten used to their smell, but by the end of the summer, she was sad to leave.

"Today's your last day with me huh?"

"Yeah…tomorrow I have to go back to the airport…"

"I know…" He looked a bit sad, but then got up and went outside, returning a few moments later. "I want you to have this. Hold out your hands."

Kimiko held out her hands and Gilbert placed a baby chick in her palms. "Uncle Gilbert?"

"That chick is one of the newer ones. It's a female. I want you to have her."

"W-Well, thank you Uncle Gilbert."

"Nah, I'm the one who should be saying thank you. I was really excited when your dad called me from America and told me that you were gonna spend the summer here. It's been a while since I've had company, so…thanks Kim. I couldn't have asked for a better niece."

"Aww, you're welcome Uncle Gilbert!" She looked at her new chick. "I'm gonna call her Kimibird." She placed her on top of her head, imitating her uncle. Kimibird cheeped.

Gilbert laughed. "That's a great name for her!"

The next day Gilbert took his niece to the airport. "Well, have a safe flight back home."

"I will."

"And thanks again for coming to visit. You can come any time okay?"

"Okay." She hugged him and he hugged her back. She heard him sniff. "Uncle Gilbert? Are you crying?"

"N-no! I just have something in my nose that's all! I think I need to sneeze!"

Of course this was a lie since he didn't sneeze and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. He placed his hands on the girl's shoulders and smiled at her, kissing her forehead. "Remember, don't forget to email me okay!"

"But I can't do it every day…"

"Yes you can! I want to see how you're doing and how Kimibird is doing too!"

Kimiko laughed. "Okay." A voice ran throughout the intercom. "Guess I better go. My plane is gonna take off soon…"

"Alright. I'll see you sometime Kim."

"Okay. Bye Uncle Gilbert."


On the plane ride back, Kimiko put Kimibird near the window so she can look out. She had to hide the small creature in her purse whenever a flight attendant would pass by. Her father picked her up from the airport when she got back to America.

"Home sweet home!" said the girl as she entered her house. "Look Kimibird, this is your new home!"

"Kimibird?" asked Kiku as he walked from the kitchen. "Alfred, what is she talking about?"

"Gilbert gave her a little chick to keep."


"I really don't know…"

Kimiko put a small bow on her chick and then took a picture of her with her camera, sending it to Gilbert through the email. She then wrote over the course of the emails: "Kimibird is really adorable and mom loves her because of this. But Aksel keeps asking when she turns into a hen if he can eat her…"

Gilbert wrote back to her and said: "Don't let him eat her! I gave her to you! Look, here's what you do: once she gets bigger, take her to a farm to have more chicks! Then from there on, you can continue to have baby chicks!"

Kimiko wrote back: "But Uncle Gilbert, won't that defeat the purpose since Kimibird is the chick you gave me?"

He responded in his message with: "Just between you and me, this is Gilbird number 154."

Kimiko shook her head but laughed, Kimibird chirping in response.


That last week of summer my other uncles asked me how it was being with Uncle Gilbert and if he took care of me. I told them that it was more like I had to take care of him. Of course, Uncle Rich was highly displeased and said he'd have a talk with Uncle Gilbert, but I told him I was still safe that summer, so he did a good job as a guardian, even though in a way the roles were reversed.

Well, those are my six uncles. Though I said I liked Uncle Matt out of all of them, I really do love them all. Except they're…weird. That's the one thing they all have in common. But then again, my nuclear family is odd too. I'm starting to think that my family is the oddest family in the entire universe. Luckily my aunts aren't as strange as my uncles, so their stories won't be as long.


Having uncles like these guys would be super bad-ass. Really. And that squirrel thing actually happened to me irl, just not that extreme. xD
Tags: !fanfic: hetalia family, !fanfiction, !meme, crack, hetalia

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