☆ j u b i l e e 。 (calavasas) wrote,
☆ j u b i l e e 。

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☆ [Hetalia Fanfic]: They're Unique, Not Weird - Parents

Title: They're Unique, Not Weird
Author: Jubilee
Characters/Pairings: OC, Most nations
Rating: T+
Genre: Crack + Humor + Family
Note: Complete crack and it was inspired by a DeviantART meme. Also, it's an AU.
Summary: Hello. The name's Kim and I come from a strange family. I wasn't brought up like a normal child. Nope, my story is a bit different. How is it different? Well how many kids do you know have family members from different parts of the world?
Posted at: calavasas + estorias

Chapters: Intro | Big Brothers | Parents | Uncles | Aunts

Chapter 3: Lovely Father and Mother

I described my brothers, but I didn't even really describe my parents. I probably should have done this first.

Alfred F. Jones

Well, dad is loud and a bit arrogant. He also tends to be naïve about certain things and he's kinda oblivious. He loves anything that has to do with space and believes aliens exist. He hates horror movies and Communists. He's also very talkative and friendly, though he can be impulsive and push his ideals on other people. Surprisingly, he loves animals, especially whales, but bunnies seem to be his second favorite. I cannot count how many times we've gone to the zoo and the aquarium. He loves freedom, justice, equality, and heroes. He especially likes Superman. He loves reading American comics just as much as Japanese ones, and though he likes anime, he still thinks American cartoons are on par with their Eastern counterparts. Dad has a bit of a short temper and can be immature at times, though this is probably the kid in him taking over. Yup, he's a kid at heart.

He also really loves Disneyland…

"Come ooooon" whined Alfred. "This is a family day! Don't be such party poopers!"

Aksel crossed his arms. "Dad, we come to Disneyland every summer and every Christmas! We also come every time it's Kim's birthday, and we also come every time when it's your birthday! THAT MEANS WE COME HERE FOUR TIMES A YEAR."

"Doesn't it get expensive?" asked Yong Soo. "I mean, you buy a lot of souvenirs dad, for us and for yourself!"

"Well daddy has a good job that pays well, plus mommy caters on her free time, so we don't ever have to worry!"

"But your bills dad…" Aksel said. "You're always complaining about the bills…"

Alfred paused. "This is a family day."

The two brothers decided to not argue with their dad and just let him have his way. Besides, Kimiko was having fun on all of the rides, except the Haunted Mansion. She rode with Alfred and they both cried on the ride, even though Alfred was trying to be strong.

"Daddy!" she said from her seat on his shoulders. "Can we go on the jungle ride again?"

"Sure we can!"

"Okay! And then, can we go on Indiana Jones again?"

"Yes! That's daddy's favorite ride aside from Space Mountain and Thunder Mountain!"


"Ooooh! There's Mickey Mouse!"

"Daddy I wanna take a picture with him!"

"Okay, daddy will go with you! Kiku!"

"I know Alfred. I have the camera already set up."

Alfred ran to the large mouse and demanded a picture with him and his daughter. The guy in the costume consented, though he was curious as to why Alfred wanted a picture with him alone too.

Kiku of course was having the time of his life taking pictures of his husband and daughter bonding at the happiest place on earth. That is…until they went on the teacups.

"Yay!" Kimiko said as she ran to the pink one with hearts on it. "Come on daddy! Mommy! I want you to come too! And big brothers!"

The family got on the teacups and when the ride started, Alfred, Aksel, and Yong Soo began spinning the tea cup really fast.


But of course, this was false since Kimiko was actually giggling the entire time and had her hands in the air. When they got off, Feli and Kiku had to make a pit stop at the bathroom to relieve themselves from the attic instead of the basement.

Kiku walked out of the bathroom, Feli supporting him. "Mom, are you sure you're okay?"


"I can ask dad to take us home."

"N-No! This is a family day and I w-will not be the cause of unhappiness!"

So Kiku felt better after they sat down a while, Alfred buying Kimiko and Yong Soo a churro near Small World. Of course, then Feli wanted one and Aksel did too just because he didn't want to be left out. Alfred bought himself eight. The five then joined Kiku on a bench.

"Do you feel better now Kiku?" asked Alfred.

"Y-Yes…I feel better. I think I have regained my momentum…"

"Great! Now we can go on the Roger Rabbit ride!"

Kiku cried on the inside.


Disneyland is really fun, but I just know that I'm gonna have to be the one to tell dad he's too old to be going there for his birthday. He doesn't seem to listen to my brothers and mom never tells him anything because he gets into his otaku mode when he goes there, taking pictures of dad in various hats. Hopefully mom convinces him that adults go to restaurants for their birthdays and not theme parks.

Kiku Jones

Mom is a huge contrast to dad and not just in height and weight either. He is quiet and calm almost all the time. He's also very shy and it's easy to make him blush. He's productive and gets things done when they need to be. He's not very social though, so his range of friends and acquaintances isn't very broad. He's a great artist too and very technology savvy. Mom also loves taking pictures and has a camera almost everywhere we go. He practically recorded every waking moment of my life ever since I was born, and those of my brothers. He also enjoys making doujinshi and tells Yong Soo to sell them at cons whenever we go. Personally I think mom is a closest perv, but he denies everything. He has a much healthier diet than dad, since dad likes to eat fast food and takeout a lot and tends to have a huge sweet tooth, mom enjoying more healthy and natural foods. Mom loves animals too like dad, his favorite being bunnies and cats. He also adores cute things. Even though it may seem like mom is smarter than dad, mom is actually pretty naïve about certain things too. Guess naïveté runs in our family. Ha!

But really, the things I find in their bedroom…

Kimiko was helping out her mother around the house since the men were out doing whatever men do. By this age, Kimiko started to want to do girly things and not things the brothers usually did. They were a bit bummed out because they were losing their faux little bro and were gaining an actual sister.

"Kimiko, can you please put the laundry in the washing machine and then put the wet clothes into the dryer?"


"I have to go buy some groceries. I also ran out of soap so I'll mop the kitchen when I get back."

"Alright. Do you want me to pick up the extra dirty clothes around the house?"

"Yes please." He took off his usual cleaning attire and quickly changed into a loose shirt and shorts. "I won't be long."

"Okay mom."

Kimiko watched her mom drive the car out of the driveway and down the street. The girl walked back inside and moved the wet clothes to the dryer, the new dirty ones into the washer. She filled it with the proper amount of detergent and put fabric softener in the dryer. Then she turned both of them on and proceeded upstairs to find any miscellaneous articles of clothing.

She found a lot of sweaty socks under Aksel's bed, stained shirts balled up in a corner in Yong Soo's room, and boxers scattered on the floor in Feli's abode, though most of them were clean. "Why does he leave his underwear out? Does he raid his own underwear drawer or something?" Kimiko sighed and just decided to wash all of them anyway since they already touched the floor.

She didn't have any dirty clothes in her room because she was thorough about cleaning like her mom, but she decided to check her parent's bedroom. She knew her mom already had his own clothes being washed, but Kimiko's dad was a lot messier and didn't pick up after himself sometimes.

"Oh of course. Socks and muscle shirts always litter the floor near the drawer…and dad's side of the bed…" Kimiko picked them up and noticed another muscle shirt sticking out of the closest. "Really dad…you could be a bit cleaner…"

She tried to pull it out but it was stuck, so she set down the basket and opened up the sliding closest door. She was able to take out the shirt, but she saw a box of items beneath it.

"What the…"

Being curious like her mother, she looked through the box and her eyes widened. "Cat ears? With a matching tail?" She rummaged through it and found other strange things. "Mom doesn't wear huge bows or skimpy dresses…at least not like these." She gasped. "What are handcuffs doing in here? And this collar!"

Her face suddenly turned red. She jumped as she heard the front door close and Alfred's voice ring throughout the house. Quickly she put the items back where they belonged and even left the shirt where she found it.

She headed back downstairs with the basket in her hand.

"Princess!" Alfred said as he hugged and kissed her. "Where's your mom?"

"Oh, he went to the market to go buy groceries and more cleaning utensils."

"Oh I see."

"Where are my brothers?"

"They went outside in the back to play soccer."

"Oh okay."

"So you're doing laundry?"

Kimiko became nervous. "Y-Yeah since mom isn't home…"

"What a good girl!" He ruffled her hair. "Anyway, I'm gonna watch some TV, maybe play on the Wii or something."

"Oh…okay. Don't mind me dad. I'm just gonna be cleaning. Heh…"


Kimiko sat down on one of the island stools and put her head down, hoping her blushing face would revert back to its default color. She had a pretty good idea as to what those objects she found were used for.


Sometimes I wonder if it's my dad who arouses my mom, or if it's my mom who arouses my dad. By their behavior out in public, you'd think they'd be a sweet couple who buy each other gifts and dote on their kids and only have sex because they wanted to reproduce. Well…people who think like that are wrong. Yeah, my parents may seem like a cute couple and "innocent" in a way, but when you get right down to it, they can actually be very naughty…

It was kind of obvious when they were in the mood…

Kiku was cleaning the windows in the kitchen and getting all the dead flies from the crevices underneath them. "I dislike having to pick out such creatures in this manner…"

"Kiku I'm hooooome ~"

"Oh, welcome home Alfred," said his wife with a warm smile.

"So whattcha doing?"

"Cleaning the windows, though at the moment I am discarding the dead flies into the trashcan."


"Yes, it isn't the most fun thing in the world to do, but it must be done."

"You work really hard Kiku."

Kiku washed his hands after he finished throwing away the flies. "Well, with three sons and a rambunctious daughter to look after, various things must be cleaned and washed. You're also at work for most of the day. The good thing is that it's Friday so I can rest on the weekend." He wiped down the counter and then folded the small towel.

"You really do work hard," Alfred said. He smiled and walked up behind his wife, wrapping his arms around his waist. "I think you need to be rewarded Kiku." He kissed his cheek and then proceeded to his jaw line and then down his neck.

The small spouse blushed. "Alfred, I-I am tired. I want to rest."

"Oh come on Kikuuuu."

"No Alfred, not tonight."

Alfred pouted and let go of his wife. "Fine…be that way…" He heard his offspring come downstairs and into the kitchen, just as Kiku walked out. Alfred followed him.

"Alfred, I know you are upset," Kiku said as he began to climb the stairs. "But I'm tired right now."

"Yeah I know. Sorry…" He sighed. "To be honest, I'm kinda tired too."

"It's okay." He paused and smiled. His back was facing the blonde. "Alfred, I'm not the only one."

"The only one what?"

"The only one who works hard. I may keep the house in shape, but you're the one who works to pay for this house so that I may continue to keep it as such. I think you deserve to be rewarded as well…"

Alfred looked up at Kiku from the staircase. "Kiku…?"

"This kimono is also getting rather warm…" He loosened it so that it slid off of his shoulders. Alfred just stared longingly. "I better…go upstairs to change into something more comfortable…" He turned around and gave Alfred a flirtatious look, beckoning him with his finger.

Alfred chuckled perversely as his face contorted into a mischievous grin. Kiku continued to walk up the stairs, taunting Alfred with the bare skin on his upper back.

Aksel walked up to his father. "Hey dad-"

"Okay kids here's some money now go to the movies." Without even looking at them and keeping his eyes on his wife, Alfred took out some bills and handed them to Aksel.

"Uh dad-"

"Oh it's not enough? Yeah popcorn can get expensive. Here's some extra." He handed him more bills.

"But dad-"

"Okay you kids have fun now and tell me how the movie went. Be sure to buy your sister and Feli some ice cream after. Love ya!" He practically shoved all four of them out of the house and closed the door.

The siblings heard him running up the stairs even though they were outside. For a while the four just stared at the door, trying to register what happened.

"Yep," Yong Soo said to break the silence. "They're in the mood."

Aksel shook his head. "Again…"

"Oh, dad gave us two hundred dollars," Feliciano began. "We don't need this much for the movies…"

Aksel wrapped an arm around his youngest brother's shoulders. "Well Feli, that's the upside to having an idiot dad like ours."

"But what are we gonna do with this much money?"

Kimiko tugged on her brother's shirt. "Aksel, can I get a big banana split after the movie? I want a lot of chocolate syrup on mine."

"Sure thing!"

"What movie would you like to see Kim?" asked Yong Soo.

"An animated movie!"

"Yay! Cartoons!" Feliciano clasped his hands together. "Oh, I hope it's funny!"

The siblings got in the car, Aksel being the driver. Yong Soo sat in the passenger's seat with Feliciano and Kimiko sitting in the back.

"So, when do you think we should be home?" Aksel asked Yong Soo.

"Probably around midnight. Hopefully they'll be done by then. You know, unless they try new places around the house this time…"

"Oh God then we're gonna have to wash the table if they decide to move to the kitchen…"

"Eating there won't be the same if that happens…"


In a way, I was glad that when I was little, I didn't know what "making love" was since I always thought it was making a paper heart and painting it, decorating it, and such and giving it to your spouse with "I Love You" in big letters. Well…now I know what it actually means and I must say…I'd rather keep my childhood definition of those two words…

Well, guess that's it for my nuclear family. Man, I'm already exhausted… Unfortunately, it doesn't stop here. My family is very large, so next I'll get into my uncles and aunts who seem to be odder than my parents and brothers…


Lol Yeah, Alfred and Kiku are my parents because...I ship them in Hetalia so yeah. =3=
Also, I have the urge to write an omake of sexy tiemz for these two...but...yeah...

Alfred (America) = Dad
Kiku (Japan) = Mom
Tags: !fanfic: hetalia family, !fanfiction, !meme, crack, hetalia

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