☆ j u b i l e e 。 (calavasas) wrote,
☆ j u b i l e e 。
calavasas

{Dare #4} China: The World's Favorite Thang

We all know China. And we all know where it's located on the map. If you don't, then...YOU FAIL GEOGRAPHY FOREVER.

Anyway, China has a human name. His human name is Yao. And I am here to tell you as a rabid China shipping fangirl why Yao belongs with everybody in the most intelligent way possible a rabid fangirl can attempt.

Point 1: He is an uke. Forget everything in your headcanon because these are trufax. Do not protest my precious children.

Point 2: He has the biggest population in the world. This is another reason why he can be shipped with everybody because there's enough Yao to go around and love.

Point 3: He can look like a chick or a dude depending on your preference, meaning he looks good with females AND males.

Point 4: As hard as this is to believe, Yao is in fact, girlier than Kiku. Shocking, I know. We all thought Kiku was the most effeminate male character in Hetalia. Well sorry to send your dreams crashing down to the floor, but Yao is the most effeminate. This proves his uke status. Yes.

Point 5: He is the oldest character in the entire series. This means he has years of experience with everything, and I do mean everything if you can catch my drift here.


Now then, I would like to talk about why Belgium belongs with China. Belgium is a female by the way. Get that etched into your minds. She belongs with him because of the vast amount of history she has had with China...which is little from this rabid fangirl's knowledge. But this is the main reason why they must be together. Also, Belgium's big bro Netherlands (or Holland if you want but he doesn't like to be called that) abuses her so she needs somebody who will lover her and cherish her. Sure there's Spain but as we all know, he's a moron. He couldn't read the atmosphere even if he tried. She needs somebody with focus. That's where China comes in. He can give her all that love he's been storing over 4,000 years for just the right person. Belgium is that person. He'll shower her with gifts, beautiful garments, and pandas. Lots and lots of pandas. If you don't like pandas, then you are a heartless person and you need to get the fuck out. But anyway, Belgium needs a man in her life, a REAL man. Netherlands can't offer that to her, what, with his lolita fetish and everything. As for Spain...he belongs to me. I'm sorry, but Spain/Belgium just won't work.

I should also tell you about why Russia, England, and Japan are the most rapeable beings in existence. This is irrelevant, but fangirl entries always never make sense, so therefore your argument is ignored. First of all, Ivan (Russia) wants everybody to become one with him. He doesn't care how you do it. He'll even let you bang him all night in every position in every kind of environment and with whatever the hell you want to use because he's a sick fuck like that. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the ever powerful Ivan Braginski, the seme of all semes, will let you have his way with him just so you could become one with him. Of course, this is if he's in a good mood. If he's not, then best of luck to you bro.

Arthur is a different story. He WANTS you to think he's a seme and acknowledge that he's the manliest of manly. But it's all a lie. He's even lying to himself. What kind of manry man likes unicorns and fairies? What kind of manry man embroiders and wears pink frilly aprons? Arthur of course. He's always at the bottom, no matter who he's with. Even if it's a chick, damn. As a pirate, he seemed intimidating and that was the only time he was at his peak of manly. After that era, it all went downhill. He's a whore too. He'll be hitting it off with somebody like Gilbert, but on the side Francis will be making sweet sweet French love to him all night, because Francis has been his secret lover ever since the world existed. Yeah, that's right. Arthur denies this of course, but if it's raining in England, you'll probably find Arthur on his back, Francis dominating over his tsundere lithe body. And it rains often in England by the way. Just thought you should know.

Kiku. Oh good Lord. Kiku. The entire world is in love with him. Yes, even the once married Austria and Hungary. Everybody loves Kiku. He should have his own sitcom of that or drama even. He whores it out with everybody, whether it's Yao, Arthur, Heracles, Alfred...EVERYONE. Taiwan thinks she's got Kiku in the palm of her hands, but really, everybody does. He's the shortest male Nation-tan excluding Latvia and Sealand, but fuck, even THEY'RE more manly than Kiku. He looks like a chick, even more than Yao. He is shorter than Yao. I know, you are feeling baffled at the moment. He also looks great in a dress, so if you're a guy country and you're dating/fucking Kiku, you don't have to worry about what other people will think, because all you gotta do is put him in a dress, put a huge bow on his head, slap some clown paint on his face, and voila. A girl. He'll look like a very small chested girl, but a girl nonetheless. Problem solved. The only problem with Kiku is that his heart is conflicted. His two greatest loves, Heracles and Alfred. He can never choose between them. And then to make things more complicated, he discovers he loves his salty tuna. Yes, a dead fish you eat. These three beings of hotness pull and tug at Kiku's heart and the poor lad can't seem to choose which one to spend his life with until the end of time. But the point I'm trying to make here is that Kiku is the ultimate uke in this fucking series, even more than Yao. Le gasp.

I should mention Alfred too, the personification of the good ol' USA. He's the source for all of China's/Yao's problems. Forget Yong Soo. Alfred is the one who causes him so much stress. He's in a huge debt right now, and Alfred keeps sending "I O U" letters to his Chinese buddy, which only upsets Yao even more. But despite all of this, Alfred and Yao make a cute couple. They really are adorable together. Ivan doesn't stand a chance, Arthur needs to get the fuck out, and Kiku will just be both Alfred and Yao's raep buddy if they ever want to have a threesome. You know Kiku will be willing just to get some because he's a homebody.

I think I have made my point VERY clear. What point was that? I have no idea. You tell me. Obviously you understood it if you're reading this sentence, because who else would read this entire piece of crack?



So this was another dare from kecen.
I WAS STUCK WITH THIS DARE. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE.
This resulted in me giving the "Fuck it" attitude and therefore created spontaneous writing. Strangely enough, I am quite proud of it.
This isn't supposed to make sense by the way. That's why it's tagged as crack.
And I really do love Yao, Ivan, Arthur, Kiku, Alfred, and the rest of the characters mentioned in this. I don't think anything bad about them. c: The things I wrote in this entry are made up opinions that I myself do not personally believe/support/like/whatever, well...at least most of them.
Three more dares to do! x__x
Tags: !meme, crack, hetalia, wtf
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